People say I have an ‘old soul’ but, I don’t really know what that means. I almost feel like they are trying to get something from me when they tell me that. They say it means I feel things deeply – and sometimes I wonder if thats why I always seem to get hurt.
My soul does feel old – cracked. Its just so sad when things in life don’t go the way you’ve wished them to go. I know all the excuses; that its a part of growing up, but that doesn’t make any of the pain go away. You still have to keep on living with the pain of regret in your stomach, going on with daily routine knowing it could have been different. Sometimes I don’t know how you just go on living normal life when you’ve experienced the pain of an unfulfilled dream. You can hear as much truth until your head explodes, you can say all the right things and go through all the right motions, but your heart still knows – your heart still feels – your heart still remembers.
If that is what it means to have an old soul then I wish I didn’t have one. I sometimes wish I didn’t feel deeply. I Sometimes wish a lot of things.
People are always saying change is a good thing but what they’re really saying is that something you didn’t want to happen at all… has happened. Some foolish person will probably say that change is a tribute to life – that life keeps moving on and you can never count on it, or something like that. I know that, because thats the sort of thing I’m always saying. But the truth it, I’m heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my dog has died all over again and no one can ever make it right.
Life does move on, and it is beautiful how it can teach you things along the way. Maybe one day I’ll learn what it means to have an ‘old soul’. But, for starters, I think I’m going to make myself a cup of tea Earl Grey Tea and snuggle up with a good book..
Goodnight you beautiful, varying world.